This post is part updating you on some of the awesome stuff that has been happening, and part giving an insight into the stuff that doesn’t fit into my normal blog posts.
This content is somewhat heavy on my mindset as I continue my recovery from anxiety. I really want to kick arse over the next year and to do that, I’m going to have to do some hard work to overcome my insecurities. And the first thing I can do is own them
1. I am going to Blogworld as Dave Navarro’s Networking Assistant.
The flights are now booked. I’m going to Vegas, baby.
Seriously though, this situation happened by accident. I’ve always been a person that makes a decision and assumes they’ll figure out the details later. I’d been planning to go to Blogworld all year but in June I took stock of my finances and it wasn’t pretty. I had just moved and my savings were gone. I decided to sacrifice the ticket cost and just put it down to a lesson learned.
Shortly after tweeting about it, Dave approached me to help out. He would cover my expenses in return for helping him out before, during and after the conference. I’ll be his second brain – taking pictures, uploading interviews and doing the behind the scenes stuff that will help him rock it.
I’m honoured at this opportunity and I’m also terrified. I’m also really uncomfortable with the fact that someone values me skills that much, but it is something I’ll have to overcome if I want to succeed.
2. I don’t like selling because I don’t think I am worth it
Yeah. This has been one of the hardest things to overcome and putting out my first product has been great in this respect. I’ve had so many people buy, and then give positive feedback, when my initial reaction was to refund the money because they were friends and I would have just given a review copy.
I’m doing a joint product and the thing that excites me most is that I can do the creation and my JV partner can do the selling. I wish I could do more projects like this to help me deal with the mental ‘oh noes’ cycle.
3. I love Bill to bits but we are not a couple
This is a question that I have been asked a lot and I feel like it needs addressing. Not because there is anything to hide but because he has been the best friend I’ve ever had. Seriously, I don’t think Bill gets enough praise for what he has done for me.
I have a severe mental illness. I’ve pushed most people out of my life because it is so much easier when you aren’t constantly doubting/hating yourself in social situations. I have tried to ‘ditch’ Bill on multiple occasions but he hasn’t let me. He’s been there through the awful shit during the past year when I was unable to work. He’s talked me through panic attacks. He let me cry on his couch when I stayed up there because I was so burnt out. He has put up with a lot of my crap in the past year and I love him so freakin’ much for just being there and not giving up on me. I logically can’t understand why he hasn’t given up, but I am really appreciative that he has stuck it out because we’ve had some awesome times.
It is not a good idea though to ask him to tone down our public immaturity. He’ll then remind you of how you tweeted about your theory of creating a race of cat people like in Doctor Who. Then, on the same day when someone asks if he is your husband, you’ll get asked if you are cracking onto someone because you are talking to a red head about your desire to create the ultimate ginge (again based on Doctor Who)
4. I really am that obsessed with ice cream
In particular, chocolate paddlepops. Rainbow is rather nice. I’m rather fickle about my flavours and usually eat them before a phone call. No, Annabel, I don’t eat them all the time
5. I feel like I’m living a double life and it makes me really uncomfortable.
Last month, I was really freaking out. I felt detached and weird and it was making me feel ill. I quickly realized that it was because of the dissonance between my online, and offline, lives. Online I kinda kick arse. I’m not as successful as many of my peers but I have a passionate audience and have accomplished some great things. I have some brilliantly, talented people that I am proud to call friends.
Offline, I’m recovering from a debilitating mental illness. I struggle to manage everything in my personal life. My friendships are plagued with self doubt. I have to take time off due to dramas, and to deal with my symptoms. I am poor, by choice, as I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself. It is a total contrast to my blogging career.
I thought there was something wrong with me until I met Jonathan Fields and he confirmed it was normal. It is something I think I will struggle with for some time but will get used to the changes as I prepare to up my game.
6. I don’t care about most of my successes. Seriously.
Last week I paid $200 for a consult with Charlie Gilkey. (Honestly, I think this freaked my parents out more than me. I was like $200? Small change for what Charlie can accomplish)
We were talking about my lack of about page and how I just don’t know what to put on there. I tried to think of cool stuff that I had done but I just couldn’t think of any. Gilkey said that it was noticable that I hide after every success. In his words, an extreme (even when positive) reaction results in an extreme stressor. And it’s true. The reason I don’t feel very successful is because every time I pull of something brilliant, I get a tonne of email and requests for help. Because I care so darn much, I pour everything into helping everyone who asked.
I am proud of what I have accomplished and I plan to work on how to handle success without freaking out.
If anyone can help with stuff to put on that about page though I’d be so gosh darn appreciative.
7. When I get attention (online or offline) it triggers an anxiety reaction.
I have been to two local events where I have received a shout out from an A-List blogger. I dislike it. It feels nice however on both occasions it made me want to vomit. The reaction is worse when I’m already in an anxious state – which I am when in a packed room full of bloggers!
Online it is rather tame. It mostly triggers a negative thought spiral. Fortunately, by hiding online somewhat you can restrict the amount of people that will write about you
8. I am actually rather good at this connecting stuff
I always thought that my skills were just lucky breaks – several lucky breaks. That seemed to happen rather regularly. Oh shush, I was depressed for most of last year.
Anyhoo, I didn’t really know how good I was until I started working for Dave and created my business with Bill. Sometimes clients will go to Bill asking for recommendations. He’ll come to me, and I’ll send a few names, and he’ll sometimes be like ‘woah’ at how I just know so many random people.
With Dave – several of people that have contacted me have somehow entered my, or bills, sales funnel. I’ll tell someone that Dave is unavailable for interview and then offer alternate suggestions. Most people are genuinely happy and I invite them to talk to me about other stuff should they want or need to. It’s kinda surreal.
9. Anxiety makes me a better person but I genuinely do hate myself.
I think I’m worthless. A piece of shit. I don’t see the point in talking about it because to me, this thought cycle is just as real as the grass is green. I can recognize that it is wrong and work with my support team (doctor and psychologist) to get better but it is my reality.
I’m only mentioning it so that people will know that my humility isn’t me talking myself down. It’s me attempting to talk myself out of my cycle of self loathing. And this, I believe, is what makes people resonate with me. They see me for who I am, my flaws, and see that I’m just someone trying to make their mark on this crazy online world.
10. Birds make my heart sing
I’ve been obsessed with birds ever since I was a kid. Specifically, parrots. I can even narrow it down to different genera of parrots but no, Jade. Don’t be a geek.
I’m the type of chick that will travel to the top of the country, at great expense, just to see a palm cockatoo in the wild. My cairns holiday was based around my desire to go to Birdworld again and I chose to stay in Kuranda because of the proximity to Birdworld.
Currently, I’m obsessed with the red tailed black cockatoo. Beautiful markings and call. Bill played a recording of red tails when I crashed at his place during our Holiday and I nearly wet my pants. He fails.
11. I am doing a JV product on networking and it scares the shit out of me.
I was fine with my previous launch being low key because my primary goal was to get over my mental crap, rather then make a huge income. This time, my goal is to blow people away with what I can accomplish in 40 days.
I’m terrified on so many levels. Can I work this hard without getting sick again? Can I put myself, and the product, out there to be judged? Will I make my JV partner proud?
This is worse than going to BlogWorld in terms of fear. It’s a challenge I’m really enjoying though. I know it will make me sick but it many ways, it will force me to grow up when it comes to a lot of business issues. It will help me learn more about myself without the full attention being on me. I also really think I can do the topic justice I’d love to know if you have any ideas or feedback on this.
12. I want to take marketing concepts and apply them to the blogging world.
This has become a recent obsession of mine and one that seems to resonate with a lot of people. I’ll take bits and pieces from my favourite business books and rearrange the principles so that they work from an inbound marketing perspective.
This has been really effective. I’ve noticed that, as a result, a LOT of people are buying the books I recommend. This actually freaks me out because not everyone processes information the same way I do and may not enjoy it as much.
13. I spend way too much time on the Cheezburger blogs.
Bill once said that for someone that has no intention of having a wedding, I sure to think about them a lot. No. Not weddings. Parties where you have a marching band, dress relatives in hilarious clothing and then do bowling with flippers and binoculars.
It may be possible that my two year old nephew can now say fail and that its a permanent fixture in my vocabulary.
14. I’ve increased my med dosage because I want to be able to play a bigger game.
Right now, I’m mentally exhausted. I have to tell Bill to avoid topics because I have no energy to cope. Today, my doctor agreed to trail an increase of Effexor.
This… what I’m doing now isn’t sustainable. My workload (15-20 hours a week) is making me physically sick. This isn’t the time spent listening, and talking. This is the time spent on the stuff that requires a lot of concentration and focus.
I have made a lot of progress in the last year and I’m stoked at how far I have come. However in the past 6 months I have noticed limitations that I haven’t been able to push through using willpower and the techniques I’ve been taught.
This is daunting. There is the risk it will have no effect or that I will suffer from side effects. However I want to kick arse and be able to reach my potential. It is time to try to see if I can get well enough to accomplish everything I want to do over the next 18 months.