Categories
Anxiety Disorder

Fuck Bedtime

I can’t handle the hours before bedtime. It’s been a problem even since I was diagnosed. I always feel antsy and distracted. I’m feeling it right now. But why?

~

It is the time when you run out of things to do and it is just you and your thoughts. It is the time when you can’t fight your own head, and the onslaught of negativity consumes. It reminds you of the panic attacks you had while living in Belmont. The clutching at your chest because you just want to breath. The fear you have of a person that takes pride in the fear she creates and instills in others. Going over the thoughts of how badly you lost control when your grandmother died. Will that happen this time?

~

I’ve always used ‘being busy’ as a coping mechanism. It’s worked in the past… until it doesn’t.

The problem right now is that there are a lot of new pressures. As soon as I stop doing, my brain reminds me of everything that is worrying me.

  • You’ll never earn enough to get by and will be struggling forever.
  • Glenn is going to die and you’ll never find another person that loves you as much.
  • You are a ridicule in your industry due to your very public breakdowns.
  • If left unchecked, you will have thoughts of suicide and self mutilation.

I’m fine. Mostly tired that everything in my life has to involve a huge mental effort. Wish I could pay someone else to do my worrying for me.