I had a much needed catch up with a friend on the weekend. We were both exhausted, although in my case it was due to a pesky migraine that hadn’t responded to meds.
After I’d said it about 8 times she asked “What do you want to run away from?”
The question sort of pushed me out of my stupor. I was physically and mentally exhausted that day. I wasn’t aware that I was repeating it. It forced me to actually think about why I felt like I wanted to get away from everything.
The answer is simple. Sheer overwhelm.
I think that the job network underestimates just how bad the anxiety impacts on me. I know that I may face issues so I’m working my arse off researching anything that may have the potential to help me. I’m looking into apps that may help. Routines for self care that may be achievable. I’m using mind maps to figure out how all the different ‘barriers’ intersect so I can have a visual representation of what I’m dealing with. It’s a bucket load of work.
On top of that, I’m keeping up with family. I’m trying to completely reorganize my entire online presence, with the goal of turning a website into a passive income project. This in itself would be a major undertaking however I haven’t had the time to do anything with it. If it succeeded, it could take the pressure off me and force me to look beyond getting through this week, and next week.
I’m pushing myself so hard and I’ll continue to do so because I need to be able to articulate how my issues would impact on employment. We can’t find solutions to something I don’t know about.
However, it’s bloody exhausting. When I say “I want to run away”, I mean I just don’t want to be so darn responsible. I want to rent a cabin in the bush and just meander around, looking for critters. I want to ditch the sense of urgency that has been following me around. Logically I know the pieces will all fall into place, this work will pay off and I’ll have more stability. But, dagnabbit, I need to remember how to bludge again. Bludge without worrying.