I am so embarassed by my digital trail. It is full of half-arsed ideas and projects that never reached their potential. It’s like a train wreck of blogs and infoproducts.
I’ve become the type of person that I dislike. That flaky chick who fails at online consistency.I own that and I’m not going to beat myself up about it.
I don’t think there are words to describe how sick I’ve been
About 2 years ago, Effexor stopped working. I was lethargic and constantly suffering from migraines. I would sleep 12 hours and feel buggered just going to the shops. My head would go funny if I worked more then 2-3 hours a day.
I am one of the most hard-working and ambitious people I know. Do you have any idea how demeaning it is to be a shell of your former self? To have people judge you on what you haven’t accomplished, rather then acknowledge the sheer effort that goes into staying alive?
It’s been hard. I’ve tried to be a good freelancer for the two clients I have. I try to be a good girlfriend. The rest of the time was spent trying to learn about how I can get better. My doctor and psych can tell you how hard I’ve worked.
There were periods where I was suicidal. Moments where the fear made me want to cut myself. I was sick and I was deluding myself by thinking that I could have a normal life. Something had to bloody change.
It got to the point where there was nothing more I could do
I am something of a research goddess. It processes stuff on a completely different level to most people.
I made a MASSIVE amount of progress just by reading and talking about the technical information surrounding anxiety disorders. The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques: Understanding How Your Brain Makes You Anxious and What You Can Do to Change It is one of the best books I’ve read in this respect.
I realized that there was little more I could do unless I changed my medication. I did it, and I wrote about that experience here
(I am rushing through the details of the sick years here, but that is mostly because it feels like they are the experiences of another person. It’s weird.)
I could barely leave the house for years. 3 days ago, I hiked so hard I hurt my foot and then had to go to bed to sleep off heat exhaustion. I forgot to take it easy.
I have so much energy. I have my creativity back. I’m ‘me’ again… and yet I have little to show for the past few years. I have strained friendships (I didn’t have the energy to maintain them.) Projects I never completed. Emails that went unresponded. I look at where I stand now and there is a lot of shame.
Vulnerability is fine and good, but not when you are unreliable – especially in a professional environment.
Where I stand now:
Right now, I will be taking things very very slowly. I’m going to let myself figure things out rather then try and do everything at once.