I thought I had them mostly under control. I don’t pressure myself to be perfect in all areas of my life, nor do I overcompensate by letting my life fall apart just to provide that schema right. I do what I do, when I can do it. I’m proud of who I am even though I’d like things to be better.
I’ve been wondering if my dependence/incompetance schema had been playing up in regards to how bad I’ve been doing on weekends. I want Glenn. I yearn for Glenn to be here. I want him to be here so I don’t have to think or be on guard. Tonight I was feeling uncomfortable/abandoned because he was watching youtube videos on his computer in another room.
Logically, I know how illogical and stupid that is. I’m a fiercely independent woman. While I love having Glenn around, I don’t like the way I’m feeling right now.
Now, I’m not sure if that I have this correct. People with these schema need others to make decisions for them. I can get shit done on my own, even if its difficult. I often don’t have the energy for it.
It makes me wonder though – if it’s not schemas influencing this behaviour, what is it? How the heck am I meant to figure this out all on my own, despite the support team I’m building around me?
I’ve thought about giving the link of this blog the psych but I write better when I know there isn’t an audience (at least, at this point). This blog is more of a living documentary that can help people down the track. But what if it can help me now?
Anyway. The thing that made me think about this was my nature blog. So many posts end with me talking about being overwhelmed with all I am trying to learn. I feel like I am under so much pressure to know everything – about all facets of ecosystems, flora and fauna. It’s so weird, I don’t even know where the pressure is coming from. No-one other then me really cares whether or not something is ID’ed. I have very few readers on my blog and I’m fine with that.
If I don’t get an item identified on Bowerbird, I freak out. That species could be something rare. That observation could change natural history. I don’t think the pressure is coming from the field nats clubs, as the members are very kind and accommodating to new members.
It makes me think of schema therapy due to the sheer intensity of the feeling. Then again, it could be bad type of perfection they talk about when it comes to gifted people?
I’d have no idea about that. Before I got sick, when my brain was normal, I didn’t feel like I was under that much pressure to know everything. I memorized stuff from the periodic table and scientific names of birds (before I was 10, mind you) for fun. It become the bad schema perfectionist behaviour once I got to high school and my anxiety started showing itself.
I don’t even know *why* I care so much. I love the challenge of identification and enjoy it when I get a tricky one, and I’m noticing that a lot of the information is seeking in. So why is it impacting on me so much?
I don’t think I can figure this out, but at least acknowledging and documenting this will be beneficial.