Categories
Anxiety Disorder

Not Doing That Well – As Expected

Yeah. So, I had all these plans to post things. Analysis, research, little observations. All of them could have been useful and made for a fascinating record. Alas, I seem to have either fallen into depression or ran out of energy. I’m going to write about things sequentially just so I have some kind of narrative.

I did go owling – and SO paid the price for it

I did go┬áto the other side of Melbourne to look for owls. Heck, I was even right to have the dread. I couldn’t find the hotel in Ringwood. It didn’t correspond with the location on Google maps. I couldn’t understand the guys accent when I phoned for help. The guy at a local car store didn’t help. I had to buy an $18 bloody hat (when I had bugger all in my account) when I realized I didn’t have one. I was crying walking down the street at one point. I got my shit together, found the place and had a ‘sink shower’ in lieu of a normal one. THEN discovered I was spotting, which was another stress I didn’t need.

It turned out okay. My bung knee played up in the car. I got nauseous when driving to the dandenongs, and my tummy was SO grateful for every toilet on the way up and back. Oh, I wasn’t being prissy about not wanting to pee behind a bush. My tummy was massively displeased.

It was so worth it though – it always is. That’s why I’m trying to do this, to rewire my brain. I was so happy seeing the owl, as well as the native fauna on the way back. Being among likeminded minds was so great. I needed it.

I felt like shit for the rest of the week

It’s standard spoon theory. I went out on a trip with the Victorian Field Nats after only 5 hours sleep. It was phenomenal, but I paid the price afterwards. Nearly fell asleep on the train home. Then stupidly got up earlier the next morning to finish editing photos and trying to ID everything.

I ended up feeling really exhausted and braindead, and beating myself up for it. I went out with Glenn for his birthday and had no energy. I was so lethargic. The guilt was overwhelming. On Friday, I ended up crying myself to sleep because I wasn’t up for sex and felt like I had nothing to contribute to the relationship at all. I hadn’t been well enough to do housework, so he had no clean underwear. The lethargy meant I couldn’t do anything. It was incredibly confronting.

What occurred in that hyperactive week so isn’t reality

Knowing and living something are two different things. I knew that the brilliance of that second week wouldn’t last but it still sucked ARSE to crash. My mind is a lot better then usual but the exhaustion has become a constant.

This is so annoying. It’s not so much my mood and worrying that limit me. It’s the cognitive issues and struggles I have with energy. The cognitive issues aren’t as bad but energy has been off for about 2 weeks. I can’t be certain of anything until I’m on the meds for longer but I suspect this may be what it is like in the future.

It’s workable. I may be able to do a couple of 5km walks a week on my good days. I can get more housework done then before. It is better then before. It’s like that one week was taunting me, showing my potential and then taking it away. I was aware of it and had been warned about it. Anyway, not worth thinking about. At the next Dr appointment I can discuss possible medication increase and what I should expect re: energy levels.

I did reconnect with my old GP

One of the reasons I am knackered, I suspect, is because I have been doing a lot of running around. I reconnected with my former GP, the one I saw at Headspace, at the encouragement of my allied health professional. It was great. It was a pain in the arse getting to the neighbouring suburb, especially as buses are only once an hour. I almost cancelled as my tummy was playing up so bad that day. I’m glad I made myself go (and that my tummy was lovely enough to settle down.)

It was so comforting to be around someone who ‘got’ my history. I know the care I’ll be getting will be a lot better now as a result and I’ll have people who can monitor me. It means I wont have to fight as hard when needing help and can have people monitoring me. It means I can relax somewhat when it comes to being the person on top of everything.

I am struggling with the amount of appointments I have

This is scary. I went to a meeting earlier this week to check with the allied health professional at my job network and I just couldn’t remember the relevant names. I got confused, then got scattered trying to explain who was doing what. In reality I’m not seeing that many people. There is the doc, the psych, the allied health professional and the main job network guy. That shouldn’t be overwhelming me.

I’m pinning it on the fact I haven’t been doing lists, journalling etc as much lately and my brain is too full. It doesn’t mean there is cognitive issues or that I’m doing too much. It’s like the drain that gets blocked… hopefully. I’ll be keeping an eye on it.

I feel guilty being overwhelmed at all the appointments when people are working a normal week and doing a lot more then I am, and coping fine. This really concerns me in regards to future employment – especially if I do increase the dosage and don’t iron out the kinks in time :S I want a job, I so badly do, but it needs to be sustainable. Hopefully the job network can help me in that respect.

I’m beating myself up so much

I seem to be doing a lot better but have been so critical of myself. I’m aware of it. I feel like I should be doing more and have more done by now. I feel like people exist in a separate world to me, in the sense that their life is so different to mine. There are no guarantees. There will always be limits. And I have so much I want to do! I’m permanently behind.

It’s a lot easier to get myself out of that state, but I have to feel like it.

~

That is the very abridged version of the past 10 or so days. I know that I’ve lost various insights due to being a slackarse. I can’t focus on that though. I’m like Dory, just keep swimming. And I’m making progress by doing stuff anyway, even though it isn’t 100% what I wanted.