Several weeks ago, I was watching Masters of Sex. A character that I really love attempted suicide. It was rather confronting.
So, of course, that night I try to pick a fight with Glenn. I start crying. I end up really struggling with depression for about 3 weeks. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I would die.
(See, I am convinced that I’m going to die by suicide. I’m going to get to 40, or Glenn will die, and I’ll lose any energy I had to fight. Because if these celebrities – who have access to money and mental health resources beyond my reach – can’t find a reason to keep fighting, then what fucking hope do I have?)
My concern is this. Celebrities have access to considerably more resources then I do. They are under more scrutiny and a lot of other negative aspects. But, they have money. They can afford decent psychs and have multiple sessions a week. They can afford people to help out. They don’t have to worry about how they are going to afford to eat.
If they have all the resources and still can’t find a reason… then I’m fucked. I mean, my work isn’t amounting to much. I’m on $300 a week. None of my creative projects are paying off. My attempts at self employment are going okay but I’m irrelevant.
Why should I fight when it may not lead to much? I will – of course I would. And things are going good. However, celebrity suicide will always trigger me like this. How can we make resources and training more accessible? Every resource and system is so fragmented. Something to ponder.
*No triggered atm, just trying to explain a mindset